In emotionally charged situations it can be difficult to have an effective conversation. Whether the conversation is with a client or a colleague, an emotional reaction can make it difficult to keep the conversation on track, stay focused on the key issues and challenges, and arrive at a mutually satisfying conclusion.
Applying the following 7 interpersonal skills will allow you to get the conversation back on track.
1. Active Listening
Active listening is not a passive process. When listening effectively, you are able to convey to the listener that you are Interested, Respectful, Attentive, and Understanding.
There are three levels of Active listening:
Level 1: Internal Listening
Try to shut down any internal conversation you may be having with yourself. When you are internally listening you are:
- Hearing the words but focused on listening to your own thoughts
- Thinking about what you’re going to say next
- Focused on what you think or feel rather than what the other person is saying
Level 2: Attentive Listening
- Be in receive mode
- Focused on what the other person is saying
- Not distracted
- Listening for facts, meaning and intention
Level 3: Observational Listening
- Attuned to body language
- Attuned to facial expressions
- Aware of tone of voice
2. Silence
Used appropriately, silence is a powerful conversational tool. Silence gives the other person time to unpack their thoughts, issues, what and how much they wish to disclose. This may include debating the degree of humiliation they think they may experience if they decide to disclose.
So although they may not be talking to you they are talking to themselves.
Be comfortable in the silence.
Don’t interrupt their thinking process by asking another question.
Don’t feel the need to fill the silence; Just sit with it!
3. Summarise
Summarising allows you to reflect back their main points, ideas or concerns into your own words. You try to draw together the persons’ confused or fragmented statements and give these back to them to reflect and consider. If you summarise correctly, going through this process will enable them to feel they have been really heard.
Paraphrase effectively
Start with a lead-in sentence to the paraphrase:
- “It sounds like you’re saying that…”
- “Am I hearing you say that…”
- “It sounds like…”
Use the person’s key words or constructs
- “Am I hearing that you feel…?”
Capture the essence of the person’s thoughts or experiences
- “Are you saying that you are angry about how you were treated?”
Check on the accuracy of the paraphrase
- “Am I hearing you correctly?”
- “Have I understood you correctly?”
4. Empathising
Empathising is communicating to another person your understanding of their experiences/feelings from their point of view (even if you think they’re point of view is incorrect, you do not have to say you agree).
Empathising requires active listening and paraphrasing
Be aware of biases that may diminish an empathic response.
5. Clarifying
Clarification allows for the speaker and the listener to make sense of these often confusing and complex issues. Clarifying helps develop a clear understanding of the concerns by getting examples of experiences, behaviors and feelings about the situation being discussed.
- “When you said…what did you mean?”
- “Can you tell me more about that?”
It also helps to eliminate ambiguities.
- “You have said that you are having difficulties with… To help me understand what you mean by “difficulties” could you tell me specifically about your last interaction with…?”
6. Questioning
Questions give the person the opportunity to expand and allow for a range of responses.
Open ended questions invite the person to continue talking
- “What…? Where…? How…? When…? Why…?”
Avoid Leading questions. Leading questions direct the conversation to where you think it should go, rather than where the other person wants it to go. They are often judgmental.
- “That sounds like…, don’t you think?”
- “You told them that, didn’t you?”
7. Workshop Solutions
- Exploring what needs have arisen
- Explore what solutions or appropriate outcomes might look like for each of you
- Sit with those solutions
- Don’t lock in an outcome
- Reconvene to re-explore the proposed solutions; this allows time for the other to reflect and take in alternative options and develop flexibility
